Change Who?

Why God Begins the Change in You First!

Have you ever found yourself asking, “When will they change?”

In the midst of toxic relationships, whether in marriage, friendship, or family, we often believe that if the other person would just change, everything would finally be okay. But at what point do we realize that we cannot change another person? Truth is, we can’t even change ourselves.

With an open heart, only God can do the true work of transformation—from the inside out.

Letting Go of Control

As I reflect on the moments I’ve allowed people or circumstances to uproot my peace, I realize that much of my stress could have been lifted if I had simply let go emotionally—if I had stopped trying to control or conform others to fit my expectations.

For a long time, I was guilty of this. But then God started dealing with me.

What I want to convey is this: you have a far better chance of making yourself sick, bitter, and emotionally exhausted than you ever will of changing or controlling someone else—especially in marriage or intimate partner relationships.

There’s usually one personality that’s more dominant, and in toxic dynamics, that imbalance can become extreme. When you’re praying for God to “fix” the relationship, I can almost guarantee—you’ll be the one God starts with first.

When God Starts With You

I know that’s not always easy to hear. I’ve been there too, thinking, “Lord, I’m not the one who needs changing!” But God sees things differently. He knows that before He can work through you, He has to work in you.

He needs your heart to be open, your spirit teachable, and your faith grounded in Him.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” — Psalm 139:23 (NIV)

You can’t go to God, pointing fingers at your spouse (or anyone else), without God lovingly turning that finger right back toward you. It’s a hard truth—especially when you’re the one feeling emotionally or psychologically wounded.

Yet, we’re still called to do our own spiritual inventory, to clear out our own clutter so that God can move freely on our behalf.

The Power of Self-Reflection and Prayer

Sometimes, we measure behavior—deciding who’s “worse”—while minimizing our own flaws. But none of us are without fault. We must ask God to search our hearts and reveal the hidden things we’ve ignored or justified.

“But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults.” — Psalm 19:12 (NIV)

The second step is maintaining a pure heart in prayer. Unconfessed sin can create a barrier between us and God, weakening our prayers before they even reach Him.

“If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.” — Psalm 66:18 (NIV)

When your heart is purified through humility, you begin to see your spouse—or anyone who’s hurt you—the way God sees them.

This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it gives you a spiritual lens to understand that they too are broken, needing inner healing and freedom from their own turmoil.

Refinement Before Revelation

Let’s be honest—it’s not easy! But God knew every situation you’d face long before it unfolded. Nothing catches Him by surprise. He allows certain experiences to refine you, not destroy you.

He will use your pain as the foundation to birth your purpose and healing journey.

Before He reveals that purpose, though, He will prune, purify, and reshape you to reflect more of His Spirit and less of your flesh. That’s where true transformation begins—not in trying to change others, but in allowing God to change you.

The Beginning of True Healing

So the next time you pray for God to fix “them,” remember: He might just be starting His greatest work in you.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” — Psalm 51:10 (KJV)

When you surrender control and invite God to work in your heart first, you open the door to spiritual freedom, emotional healing, and divine peace.

“Faith, Healing, and Hope — Right Where You Are”

Blessings,

– N The Midst Of

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